Confessions of a Control Freak

Confessions of a Control Freak

I’m a control freak. I’m constantly trying to control my future by controlling my present. This need for control consumes my life and is a daily struggle. Recently, I’ve felt very convicted about this. Mostly because of my constant worrying. I worry about everything to the point where I don’t enjoy myself. I even worry about my blessings, hoarding them for future use when my luck may not be so good. Last night, I ran across Luke 12:25-26 which states, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

I read this, and chuckled a bit. Jesus is right as always. I can imagine Him sitting with the disciples, shrugging His shoulders, and saying, “You can’t do anything about it, so stop trying.” Why do I try to control things that are out of my control? Ultimately, it comes down to one key issue, one I’am ashamed to admit: I don’t trust God. Oh, I know He has a plan for me; one meant to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). But I still fear the details of that plan. I want the plan to include a good, stable job, my bills paid, good health, good food, and the ability to have fun when I have time for it. I want MY plan. I want comfort. In my mind, if I plan accordingly, I can tweak His plan for me by being able to provide for myself, instead of trusting that He will provide exactly what I need, not what I think I need. If you back up a to the beginning of the chapter, Jesus explains that he feeds and shelters the birds of the air and the flowers of the fields, pointing out that if He does these things, He can and will do the same for His children (who He is going suffer intense pain for upon a cross in a mere 11 chapters). This is the part of the Bible where Jesus symbolically biffs you upside the head. HELLO!! Of course He is going to provide for me! God doesn’t sit up in Heaven and think, “Hm… how can I make Ali suffer the most?” No. He thinks, “How can I bless Ali the most?” The only disconnect is my own sinful nature combined with an earthly perspective. He has a plan and no amount of planning on my part can change anything that He wants to happen.

In church yesterday, Todd Wagner referenced the following quote by David Livingstone: “I am immortal till my work is accomplished”. This really resonated with me. I cannot and will not die until the Lord’s work is finished. I am here on this earth for one purpose: to do His will. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Not what I want, what HE wants. And when my mission is complete, I’ll get to go home. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me. As much as I like my plan, the joy I experience from following God’s far outweighs the joy of comfortable living. I just need to keep reminding myself that He’s got this. I really needed that biff upside the head to remind me to focus on the things that really matter, the only thing that matters: Christ. If you set your focus on Him, everything else will fall into place (Luke 12:31).

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