Literary Speed Dating Part II: Neville Longbottom

Literary Speed Dating Part II: Neville Longbottom


ME: Hi Neville! How are you?

NEVILLE: I’m doing quite well, thanks. How ’bout yourself?

ME: I’m great, thanks for asking. So let’s get this interview started, shall we?


ME: Well, first, I just want to say thanks for slaying Nagini with the sword of Gryffindor and thus saving all of us from Lord Voldemort.

NEVILLE: You’re very welcome.

ME: So when you were at Hogwarts, you kept forgetting the passwords to the Gryffindor common room, thus causing many of your house mates to get very angry with you.

NEVILLE: Yeah, that blasted Sir Cadogan kept changing them so frequently I couldn’t remember them. I tried to write them down but I kept losing the paper…

ME: Well, I’ve taken the liberty of setting up a twitter account for the common room (@GryffindorCM) so the passwords can be sent directly to your phone! You’ll never forget them again!

NEVILLE: Thanks! That will come in handy seeing as I’m now the Head of Gryffindor House.

ME: Oh yes, I forgot. You teach Herbology there, correct?

NEVILLE: Yes, yes I do. I’ve always loved Herbology.

ME: Yeah.. almost too much. So let me ask the question everyone is thinking but is too afraid to ask, why in the world are you not a Hufflepuff? I mean, really?

NEVILLE: *hearty chuckle* Well, I guess the Sorting Hat saw qualities deep within me that I never even saw myself. It was only until Snape and the Death Eaters took over Hogwarts that I really began to feel like a true Gryffindor.

ME: So what was the first thing you thought when you crawled through the tunnel in the Room of Requirement, opened a hatch, and saw Harry, Hermione, and Ron staring back at you?

NEVILLE: Well, thankfully, I had just been thinking, “I really need a long tunnel with a hinged door that will take me to the Hog’s Head and I really need Harry, Ron, and Hermione to be on there with Aberforth”. Who knew the Room of Requirement was so specific.

ME: wow.. that very convenient! So how is your wife? You married Hannah Abbott, correct?

NEVILLE: We did marry and she’s great. She now own’s the Leaky Cauldron. We live above it.

ME: and isn’t she a Hufflepuff?

NEVILLE: why yes she is. Why?

ME: Oh no reason… *cough*Cloest Hufflepuff*cough*. So how’s Trevor?

NEVILLE: He’s great. He settled down with one of my old classmate’s toads and has about 300 children.

ME: aw, that’s great.

Literary Speed Dating Part I: Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy

Literary Speed Dating Part I: Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy

Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy

ME: Hey Mr. Darcy! whats up?

DARCY: Hello Miss Gatewood.

ME: do you mind if I call you Fitz.. or Willy?


ME: Oh, well, then… thank you Mr. Darcy for letting me interview you. Lets go ahead and get started with the first question: How old are you?

DARCY: I am a man of eight and twenty years.

ME: awesome… older than I thought, but hey! Ok, so what do you do for work?

DARCY: My days are occupied mainly with matters of my estate, such as caring for the tenants, checking on my properties, and meeting with attournies to discuss terms of inheritance and income.

ME: so… you’re like a property manager for your home, cool! Where is your home?

DARCY: I live at my estate at Pemberley in Derbyshire. The grounds are quite lovely.

ME: Wow, sounds beautiful and super fancy. Bet the girls love it, eh’? *wink*

Darcy: I do not boast to know what goes on inside the minds of women. I am sure their minds would be filled with the many accomplishments women of society take great time and effort to possess. However, I cannot pretend that my 10,000 pounds a year doesn’t weigh heavy on their minds. 

ME:  So, what is the one thing about yourself that you would like me to know?

DARCY: I… do not have the talent of conversing easily with people I have never met before.

ME: That’s ok. You’re an introvert. It just takes you a little while to warm up to people. So what do you like ot do for fun?

DARCY: I enjoy listening to my sister, Georgiana, play piano. She’s quite talented. I also like to play cards and read. However, I dislike dancing. If I can help it, I avoid it entirely.

ME: Yeah, I’m not much of a dancer myself so I totally understand. Well, what are you most proud of?

DARCY: I am proud of my family, our pedigree, and the level of society we are currently residing in. I am also proud of my sister and her accomplishments, and of course, I am proud of my new wife, Mrs. Darcy.

ME:  Aw, that’s sweet. Let’s try a fun question: If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?

DARCY: I would never wish to be an animal. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of their circumstances? I’d much prefer to stay who I am.

ME: Hm.. I guess you’re right. Well, on a serious note: If you could travel back through time, what single mistake would you correct in life?

DARCY: I would have asked Elizabeth to dance.